Ann Coulter, October 12

Here’s a brief look at a few of the items Americans are desperate to learn about today:

Ann Coulter Ann Coulter shows that there’s no thought too stupid for her to voice. This time, she’s said that Judaism needs to be discarded and that Jews need to accept Christ in order to be perfected. Ann, maybe you missed the memo, but anti-Semitism was discarded as a far-right value sometime around the time that World War II ended. You should look into that.

Lead in Lipstick Another fine product of our consumer society has been ruined by stupid lead. Now it’s no longer safe to wear lipstick. We could just look on the bright side and say lipstick not only makes your lips looks fuller and more luscious, but also preserves your youth by killing you early!

Knights Templar The Knights Templar are a favorite group for all manner of conspiracy theorists, from your Illuminati/Freemason variety to pop-culture conspiracist Dan Brown. They’re in the news today because recently discovered documents have shown they were never convicted of heresy after all. That, and their secret base under the Arctic ice has been revealed by global warming.

Al Gore for President Geeze, win a Nobel Peace prize and suddenly everyone’s clamoring for you to enter the presidential race. It’s a terrible idea. If Al Gore is elected again, doesn’t that mean Bush becomes president for four more years? In related news, Bush has retained lawyers to call for a recount of disputed ballots in the Nobel contest, insisting that he, not Gore, was the rightful winner.

Man has Ear Implanted in Forearm That line pretty much says it all — there’s a guy, he has an ear implanted in his arm. He says it is art. I don’t know about art, but I do know that a guy with an ear in his forearm is a fucking freak. – Cory Casciato